Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv
Hi HH! 
I’m glad you are in a good place now. I know we had some things in common in our intimate relationships. And lately we’ve learned so much more about narcissism, it’s mind blowing.
That question about if he is the most Machiavellian person in the world to intentionally gaslight me like this, or if he has some kind of cognitive disorder is really perplexing. I don’t think he is either. He isn’t that great an actor to be the evil, intentional abuser. He doesn’t have cognitive distortion in most other areas of his life, though he perceives some things surprisingly farther from the mark than I think I do. He does have pretty bad social anxiety.
Have you seen Groundhog Day? It is something like that with him, where he keeps doing something over and over but just missing the mark.
I would like to have the radical acceptance that it is what it is and go find fulfillment elsewhere. But I have never been able and am still not able because it still just happened again. I am not able to diffuse my trigger I get from his inaction/lacking. It triggers me to get angry, disappointed and upset. I shouldn’t have to even keep trying to tolerate an unfulfilling relationship like this. Especially a relationship that triggers me to the point I got diagnosed with a mood disorder!*(but this was by a doctor who also saw my husband and I question his honesty and accuracy, but maybe he is right idk. |
Hello Tisha!
I mentioned this on your other thread, but it's great to have you back!
A question I pose to you is this: Is he different in public and with his family and friends than he is with you? Does he show you one side and the public a far better & more respectful side? If he does, and if he seems to have one personality that is great and for the public, and another that is hurtful but only behind closed doors and with you, then you know for certain that you are dealing with an abuser. If he harms other people too, friends or his family members, then it's not just exclusive behavior with you and it may be more a part of his personality and like you said, a cognitive distortion of sorts. However, abusers CAN control how they behave and they save all of their abusive behaviors for their victims at home, behind closed doors. And then they turn it off like a switch when they are in public or with their friends and then they turn on the charm. You see the charming side of them come out.
And yes, I've seen Groundhog Day! Love that movie!
And yes, I understand - you've been in this position many times and for a long time now - over and over again, the pattern repeats itself.
Your trigger is your body and spirit telling you that you do not like the behaviors you are experiencing. The behaviors are harmful to you, they hurt you and upset you - those feelings are 100% valid. Sometimes, it's impossible to change how we react, but we can change how we respond to our emotional reactions and to others when we are triggered. This we CAN control.
And no, you should not have to put up with such an unfulfilling relationship. There's so much happiness that you could have, that this relationship is not providing you with.
That's my two cents for right now.
