I don't have the attitude that 'it's never gonna change' when going into a relationship. That's just it. When I'm loved, I feel great. It's the most joyous feeling in the world to know that somebody actually loves me and to know that I can love somebody and want to to anything for them, to want the best for them, to be concerned for they're well-being and want them to be happy. Who would not want that. I'm on top of the world then BUT when it is snatched out from under my feet in but a fleeting second, my whole world is shattered. I still give my love to the person even though they don't receive it or want it, they can't stop my love, love doesn't stop on a dime just because it is not received. I still love regardless of what happens to it. But my life falls apart knowing the love is no more. It's always the same. History keeps repeating itself. My love is not wanted, not the romantic love anyway. I just keep going through this same rejection and abandonment over and over again. Each time it takes away more of my soul. It rips me apart. What is the point when the outcome is always the same. There is no point. Continual sadness, heartbreak, rejection, abandonment. There is no love for me, there never will be. I don't want a life without romantic love, one that is not returned to me. Yes, I can still love and I still do, I love him with every ounce of my being but it dissapates into thin air. I need it back, I need him to return it but it's not going to happen, it's never going to happen for me.

What's there to do differently? I'm on a ton of drugs, in therapy, gone to the crisis center at the ER at the hospital. What else is there to do? I can't deal with the constant mood swings, although right now I'm stuck in the abyss. I don't see this ending anytime soon, short of a miracle. Sometimes the length of one of my depressive cycles can be for months. I've been here for a long time before and I will be again now. I'm tired of being here, I'm tired of always coming back here, I'm tired of giving romantic love and it being rejected even though I continue to send my love to that person, they just don't feel or receive it anymore. How can we live without love, without the person we love? I'm exhausted. I'm worn out. I have little left other than that abundance of love that I continue to send unrequited. I don't blame him at all, I blame me. You're right, I am my own worst enemy. I destroy the very things that I want the most, even if subconsciously. I guess on some level I don't feel worthy of the other person's love. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I'm just rambling again with empty words from a very empty person.