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Had an appointment with med due this afternoon. I was sitting in the waiting room, where there was a lovely Christmas tree. I moved so I didn't have to look at it. I don't know why.
Then there was a girl, about 12, sitting across from me. She looked right at me and smiled the sweetest smile. Fortunately, at that moment her therapist called her back because I started crying. I was crying with tears rolling down my face, wiping them away with my sleeves and the more I tried to stop, the more the tears came. I tried to take deep breaths, but couldn't. All I could do was cry. Everything in the entire universe just seemed destined to suffer and I could not stop crying. Then med dude called me back and I felt bad for him because he looked at me and he looked like he felt sorry for me.
I felt sorry for him that he has a job that requires him to feel sorry for people all day. But of course, that's what makes him good at his job. He's empathetic. He's a sweet kid. I told him he reminds me of my son; he's tall and he's kind. He smiled. That made me cry more and by the time I got into his office and sat down I was crying so hard that the only thing that kept from from total panic, thinking my God I'm going to cry until I'm all shriveled up, was knowing that I have cried many times in my life and eventually it does stop. There comes a point.
The whole thing was not fun. But I suppose it did communicate to med dude, who was so, so kind about all of it, exactly what a terrifyingly depressed/anxious state I've been in since early/mid-ish October. Also, he appreciated the information from my therapist inviting him to communicate with her and had me sign a release form for that.
Updated medication plan:
-Topomax 100mg a.m./100mg p.m.
- Gabapentin Add 300mg a.m./Add 600mg p.m.
After 3 days:
-Topomax increase to 200mg a.m./200mg p.m.
Appointment next week.
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