I want/need to stop the binging and purging. More so need than want because there's even more blood now. I just don't know how (without going back to substances or other methods of self harm....maybe I should just...never mind...).
I have this unsatiable desire to self-destruct. I don't know why. I just feel like I'm bad or something. Like there is "badness" in me that I need to numb or get out somehow. I'm going to stay up until my mom goes to bed and then call the ACT team and hopefully someone good will call me back and talk to me about it. My therapist is out next week.

Had pdoc appointment. Was in good spirits then so of course I told her all was well and had been mostly well (other than the calling them freaking out about the SH last week).