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Have Hope
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Old Dec 02, 2022 at 06:18 AM
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
Great questions!
Neither of us are different or only respectful in public, or with other people. He is extremely polite. It is this problem with intimacy that I am the one having. I am the origin of the problem because I donít feel right about it, it doesnít feel right because he acts so strange, vacant. The whole thing has been off the rails. It is a routine of a cycle of abuse, emotional abuse as sexual function.

1. Tension builds. We both know it is looming that sex will be approached. It is anxiety provoking. Anyone would be anxious in this repetitive cycle.
2. It falls flat. Either he does nothing, or I do nothing, or he does something horribly awkward and anxious or I just have an anxious outburst.
3. I get dysregulated upset. Crying, disappointed, angry, wanting to end dysfunctional relationship
4. I sometimes self medicate. In the past this was worse, to the point of dangerous. He contributed to it, still does, but I wonít let it get worse. He was pushing it to be worse, more unhealthy for me. It is me who stopped myself from SH, kept it non addictive, non lethal.
5. Then, in the past, this hasnít happened for a long time now, he suddenly was passionate with no anxiety, no issues. But typically, it is me who just goes and initiates sex. Itís fine. We both feel good.
6. I am optimistic our problem will improve moving forward. Maybe heís learned, as he said he did. But back to step 1 we go.

Meanwhile, life outside of this behind closed doors abuse is seemingly normal.

Over our years together, he also didnít have my back to defend me the few times that ever happened to me. He betrayed me in that way one time where he chose someone over me who was extremely hurtful to me. He also was financially abusive at one point for several years. It wasnít that he wasnít letting me spend any money or anything like that. It was him passive aggressively asserting control by withholding it in a big way, not cool at all to me, which I protested constantly. To which he said he would stop, but then just didnít, stonewalled. He did this while we were ďtrying to fixĒ our intimacy issue. These were very sore issues for me of some things that he did that were rotten to me. But that was it over our 30 year marriage. For the most part he is a nice person, who does nothing outright harmful, hateful. Except the man watched me cry hysterically and rant in anger at him and just kept doing it to me and watching me meltdown!
Thanks for more of the specifics, TIsha.

Unfortunately, I don't see the issues changing or improving.

You have been trying to make this better for years now, and the cycle hasn't improved. You've tried therapy, and that hasn't changed anything So, what's next?

Do you still love him? And what do you love about him? What does he do that works well for you? Do the negatives outweigh the positives, or do the positives outweigh the negatives? You don't have to answer, I am just asking you these questions to help you think about it.

Many of the things you describe are bothersome and to me are unacceptable. I especially don't like that he didn't have your back, that he has encouraged you to self harm, that he continues on with his antics while you're having a meltdown, that he abused you financially, all of his gaslighting, and that he won't lift a finger to make romantic efforts when you ask him to.

I can only imagine how you must feel having dealt with all of this.

"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
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Thanks for this!