Great questions!
Neither of us are different or only respectful in public, or with other people. He is extremely polite. It is this problem with intimacy that I am the one having. I am the origin of the problem because I don’t feel right about it, it doesn’t feel right because he acts so strange, vacant. The whole thing has been off the rails. It is a routine of a cycle of abuse, emotional abuse as sexual function.

1. Tension builds. We both know it is looming that sex will be approached. It is anxiety provoking. Anyone would be anxious in this repetitive cycle.
2. It falls flat. Either he does nothing, or I do nothing, or he does something horribly awkward and anxious or I just have an anxious outburst.
3. I get dysregulated upset. Crying, disappointed, angry, wanting to end dysfunctional relationship
4. I sometimes self medicate. In the past this was worse, to the point of dangerous. He contributed to it, still does, but I won’t let it get worse. He was pushing it to be worse, more unhealthy for me. It is me who stopped myself from SH, kept it non addictive, non lethal.
5. Then, in the past, this hasn’t happened for a long time now, he suddenly was passionate with no anxiety, no issues. But typically, it is me who just goes and initiates sex. It’s fine. We both feel good.
6. I am optimistic our problem will improve moving forward. Maybe he’s learned, as he said he did. But back to step 1 we go.

Meanwhile, life outside of this behind closed doors abuse is seemingly normal.

Over our years together, he also didn’t have my back to defend me the few times that ever happened to me. He betrayed me in that way one time where he chose someone over me who was extremely hurtful to me. He also was financially abusive at one point for several years. It wasn’t that he wasn’t letting me spend any money or anything like that. It was him passive aggressively asserting control by withholding it in a big way, not cool at all to me, which I protested constantly. To which he said he would stop, but then just didn’t, stonewalled. He did this while we were “trying to fix” our intimacy issue. These were very sore issues for me of some things that he did that were rotten to me. But that was it over our 30 year marriage. For the most part he is a nice person, who does nothing outright harmful, hateful. Except the man watched me cry hysterically and rant in anger at him and just kept doing it to me and watching me meltdown!