I just read Your message. Thank You for sharing that . It's weird cause I feel bad I don't visit groups here or forums as much as I did when I first joined in 2013. But when I do I run across messages like yours I can relate to .
I too am 49. In originally from Brooklyn but my dad threw me out when I was 14 and I had to live with relatives in western New York (long story )
But I wanted to write about isolating ....I too have ( and especially now ) isolated to the point where I couldn't leave my own apt . I would look out window for when mail came if I got mail I'd make sure no one was around then go out and get it real quick. When I worked in my 20s and 30s I sought out jobs in warehouses working 2nd or 3rd shifts not alit people work those shifts especially 3rd
I'd shoot once a week for what I needed and stay in when I wasn't working. I lived without a phone for 3 years twice in my life ...and when I felt like that if a friend stop by I shut lights and wouldnf answer the door
I didn't know it then that I was mentally ill. . there were times in my life I was able to socialize ...I felt so full of life I could do anything but that feeling was always fleeting and I went back to isolating
I had to go on SSD years ago because of a severe anxiety attack ...people around me told paramedics I just passed out fell straight back hit my head so hard I had seizures . .after CTscans Des said I couldn't work anymore
I started going to a program after living in couple group homes and was able to live in my own again
I had a wonderful counselor who helped me so much. .I was even able to volunteer at a local skilled nursing facility for several years
Then I "crashed".. I was volunteering 3-4 days a week 10 hours a day .....I git to know the residents so we'll they were like family. After several years I couldn't take them passing away and I had another breakdown and was hospitalized twice
Since then I started isolating again and worse my counselor had to retire . . I do take meds but my counselor I have now don't understand me .. he tells me to get out more ....he thinks it's easy . We always end up arguing and I walk out of session. .even now with phones sessions I get so mad ...they won't switch counselors for me especially with pandemic and I have to see)talk to him at least once every 3 months
Now we get hit with pandemic .. I'm able to order groceries and supplies to be delivered ....I'm doing the same watching for mailman than getting mail real quick and coming back inside
Actually I don't care if I git virus but I stay safe and if I really need to go out I wear a mask . I di my best not to get virus for fear of infecting others without knowing so this pandemic giving me a reason to isolate more ...tho I feel like all the progress I made I'm falling back again
Been feeling so alone ... I text a few friends now and then my sister lives across street but she rather hang out with her friends as they drink and do other drugs .. stuff I don't do anymore ( well I used to drink tho stayed away from other drugs).
Again my counselor says it's my fault I don't hang out with her and her friends. He doesn't get it that I can't be around all that especially with virus still spreading
I'm not sure if what I wrote helped or not. I do my best to stay strong everyday mostly for my PC friends who I visit regularly here which is why I haven't been to groups and forums alot
I'd like to get into my art work again but have no motivation. I take my meds regularly. Or else I'd be 100x worse
I do have a little garden out back I care for every other day. It too keeps me going watching something grow
I just want You to know I understand and Your not alone. .Do Your best to hang in there and Please stay safe ok