I've gotten depressed . . . again. These "tailspins" eventually blow over. But this one is happening pretty soon after the last one. So I'm in fear that as fast as I climb out of the trough, I'll tumble back in again. I'm spending too much time alone in my apartment.

My boyfriend of many years died in 2020, so this will be my 3rd Christmas alone. (I have no family nearby.) I did very well the last two Christmases. I put up a very pretty tree and lights outside and other decorations. I really got into the spirit and loved my apartment looking all sparkly with pretty things. I posted pictures for my distant family to see and got nice compliments from them.

This weekend I did nothing. Yesterday, I laid around all day feeling zero interest in Christmas. I feel like it's a waste to spend so much effort decorating when no one will be visiting me. Last two years I was very happy to do it just for myself. I don't know why I'm so different this year - like the bottom fell out of my life.

I think it's the aloneness. I had planned to visit my family in 2022, but I was in and out of the hospital. (They're 2000 miles away.) I went to the ER 5 times since April. I got admitted 3 of those times. I needed blood transfusions the last 2 times. I was back in the ER Nov 3rd, after vomiting blood from a bleeding ulcer. Last week I went in for intravenous iron to prevent anemia coming back. I feel fine now in that regard. Endoscopy showed that the ulcer completely healed, and I'm not anemic. So I'm doing well physically. I got almost caught up on pre-holiday house cleaning. Still, I'm blue. Since last night, I've had several brief weepy spells.

I recovered from the intense grief that I felt back in the first few months after my loss. But there's been other losses. One of my sisters has been ignoring me since July because I declined her invitation to go stay with her soon as I got out of the hospital. She pressured me so much, I had a nighmare after the phone call. I told her next day that she upset me. So now she doesn't call at all. My closest friend stopped getting COVID vaccinations "because they don't work." We used to have holiday dinners together. Since she won't get vaccinated, I won't visit her or invite her over. Over the years, quite a few other friends moved out of state in one direction or another. So I'm more alone than ever before. Then this health issue that kept popping up got the better of me. A surgeon wants to operate on my stomach. I hate the thought of that. I've declined the surgery for now to see if the ulcer might not come back.

I know it's up to me to make new connections. I'm retired and could donate my time to something worthwhile. There are activities I could join. I haven't made the effort.

On the check-in thread, someone made the suggestion of committing to some sort of daily plan, even to just a short set of small goals. I do think that is the only way to rescue myself. It's just so hard to even start. I had gotten so demoralized.

I know from experience that it often gets much easier once I make the initial effort. I will try now, so today won't be totally wasted.

Any encouragement from anyone would help to interrupt irrational thinking where I start telling myself nothing I do will matter, and my life will not get better.