I've been binging/purging on and off for the past ten years. Now there's blood in my vomit. I'm at a healthy weight but at one point when I wasn't doing it I was obese (and I lost a lot of weight through the b/p and felt great about it).
I'm terrified if I stop I'll go back to being obese (which was caused by antipsychotics in the first place). I'd rather have a healthy BMI but vomiting blood than being current weight+more pounds.

I have a goal weight and my pdoc said it was underweight and not feasible. I was there this time last year doing what I'm doing now (just with more restricting) so I know it's feasible if I can manage to restrict just a bit more.

Ugh I feel so ambivalent. I feel out of control binging, then I purge and feel the greatest sense of relief ever, then guilt sets in. And the obsession with numbers. There's so much anxiety about food, and I can't imagine that ever going away even if I'm eating "healthily."

I also fear if I need more intensive treatment my family will find out and "police" me and my eating habits. I've hidden it extremely well so far.

I don't expect anyone to respond to this since the forum's pretty dead, but thanks if you do give some thoughts. Just kinda journaling to the public here.