Dear T,
I really don't know if we can continue. Yeah, I've said that before, but after today? I really don't know... I feel like we both have resentment built up toward the other. Plus your need to focus on your feelings. When I'm the client who is paying you to work with and, I would think, prioritize my feelings.

I'm managing right now. In part due to the support of friends. And going out after session. And a brief chat with R.

But I just don't know about our future. Which is extremely painful for me, after all we've been through. Why do you have to be so weird about this? Like I asked today--what is so threatening and scary about me? Why can't we just process this? You know it's mostly transference.

My intention is to not email you. Well, unless it's to cancel Monday (though that would be a text). I need to think about that. And I think if I do cancel, it will be exactly 24 hours notice. As you require. In fact, I'm adding that to my calendar right now.

I just don't know what to think or feel. You've likely gone on with your weekend. I hope you think of me at least once or twice, to think, "Hey, I hope LT is OK, she seemed a mess when she left." I wish you'd check in, but you won't.

I thought what I needed was to work all this through with you, have you accept it, and come out on the other side. Maybe what I need is to stand up for myself, like I did today, and choose to walk away on my own terms? Maybe that would give me something--saying things to you that I couldn't say to the teacher or ex-MC (I guess I said a few things to him, but it wasn't the talk I'd wanted). And then move along and work on this attachment stuff with someone else, to move to the next stage?

Like maybe you were a needed stop, though perhaps I should have spent less time with you. Yet you gave me some really important stuff regarding my D. And helped me through the pandemic. It's not like it was all for nothing. But I really thought, two Mondays ago, that things were good and moving in a positive direction, that we could move to the next stage, to go deeper into things. How delusional I was. I guess you were just lying to me when you reassured me about all those things? Or maybe if I hadn't brought up the L-word again after that, it would have been OK? I don't even know.

I'm just trying to tell myself that so much of this is YOUR stuff, that it's not all just about me. You have lots of issues. I know it's easier to blame them on me because I'm not operating 100% in your comfort zone. But you need to be able to handle this stuff if you're a therapist. I don't even know what I'm doing that's so threatening, where you may feel the need to tell me to "back off"?

LT