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Originally Posted by smileygal
Transference is in every relationship not just therapy relationships so it doesn't matter whether the T is blank slate or not. Also I kinda despise the use of the word transference as the way it's used is that it somehow separates what you are feeling in the here and now and suggesting 'oh those feelings are all just transference and based on your past' as if they are somehow not real....the majority of our feelings of love for others have some remnant of the past. This is why and how many of us unconsciously choose our partners. It's all intermixed all the time....
I don't understand the implication that you wanting to talk about it means you are trying to sabotage the relationship....I'm not entirely sure of your whole conversation so I may be filling in blanks but I know in my therapy I've have a similar need in that I have strong feelings for my T and Spend a-lot of time wanting to talk about it..and keep revisiting it and going around in circles. I know some of the preoccupation is my own stuff and attachment wounds but I also honestly think my therapists inability to express some form of return care for me is part of the reason we are stuck here. It's like my attachment system has been activated ... I read some psychologist refer to it as the care seeking system and will not rest until it receives the care (at least on some basic level) that it is seeking...our therapists are very different in many ways but similar in that neither will return care in a way that people with attachment wounds like we have may need. It's incredibly frustrating and painful. I'd been hoping my therapist would at some point see the light and just even been willing to try take a calculated risk to see but they seem to have the heels very much stuck in the mud on this. Part of me thinks it's not just a strongly held belief in their therapeutic orientation but also down to her own comfort levels in being able to give and receive care/love openly.
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Thanks, Smiley. I agree on how transference is there in all relationships to some degree. And my T did some exercise with me early on where I answered certain questions, then it suggested what I was looking for in a partner, etc. Which was tied to stuff from childhood. I think it's actually a marriage counseling exercise (he has training in that) from Harville Hendrix (had to google that). Where stuff we wanted (and either did or didn't get) from our parents is also stuff we want from a romantic partner.
Your comment on this is resonating with me: "I also honestly think my therapists inability to express some form of return care for me is part of the reason we are stuck here. It's like my attachment system has been activated." and "neither will return care in a way that people with attachment wounds like we have may need." I'm wondering if that's why I feel the need to talk about it so much lately?
I know my T thinks I want to hear the words back, but I said there were maybe 10 different ways I could think of that he could have responded that would have satisfied me (at least on some level) and felt better than how he did. Like if he'd said, say, "I'm glad to know you feel safe enough in the relationship to share that feeling, and it's completely OK with me." He's said some bits of that, but it's not hitting in the right spot, and he seems to have pulled back from his reaction when I initially said it like...2 months ago maybe? (we haven't talked about it at every session)
But it does seem like something has been activated in me, triggering the need to talk about it. I feel if we could just talk it through, I could feel satisfied. But it's like we can talk about it some, then it gets weird, I back off, talk about something else, rinse, repeat.
I do think, in my T's case at least, that much of it comes down to their own comfort level. I did ask today about how he said he won't tell his friends he loves them, but does he feel he loves them? And he said something about "feeling but not telling." So I guess in his mind, I crossed some line in telling. Like it's OK to feel it, as long as I don't share it. I'm not sure how that's helpful?
I'm sorry you're dealing with this as well. I know it's difficult. Why can't they just give us what we need? What harm would come from them saying, "I feel love for you, too," as long as they qualified that it wasn't romantic, say.