First, LOL to r/coldfishtherapists!

I also wonder about how he told the story about me. He must have mentioned ex-MC and the teacher (from high school), because the person said I had a pattern. I'm unclear whether this was from a listserv posting or a regular colleague (was a male, I know). I should have asked what he said about me.

Thanks for saying I'm showing restraint. I'm really unclear as to what he's afraid of--even if, say, I wanted to say "I love you" every time I leave (and I don't! Which I've told him repeatedly, it was just an example), all he would need to say is, "I'm not comfortable with that."

I'm under the impression that he thinks the sabotage is my knowing he would be uncomfortable with my sharing the love feelings and then talking more about it (that's apparently the issue this time vs. before, that I keep bringing it up now), plus knowing he wouldn't say it back. So like I'm saying/doing something that I know will ultimately hurt me. And, I guess, intentionally messing up a relationship.

I have been thinking about this, and I wonder if there is some level of truth to it? Not that I want to blow up the relationship entirely. But that I am tired of feeling so attached to him and having trouble reducing my sessions. And it's like, maybe I needed confirmation that he doesn't feel those things, or at least won't express them? Like, maybe in some twisted way, I needed him to hurt me so that I could pull back (perhaps leave) more easily?

Isn't this something he/we should be examining? If he thinks I'm sabotaging it and repeating a pattern, isn't *that* what we should be discussing--the pattern, what's going on with me in it--rather than his feelings? Like pull back and look at the bigger picture? Yeah, I know, he's probably not skilled enough to do that... Or able to put his feelings aside and focus on me.

I forget whether I posted this here vs. elsewhere on the forum (please read along if you've already seen it!), but I said early in session that it felt like some of this had become about his feelings rather than mine, like I had to protect his feelings, which didn't seem like how therapy should be. And he said, "You do have to think about my feelings, because I'm a human." [insert eye roll emoji]. To which I said, "So what makes this different from a friendship then? Aside from the money part." I don't think he really had an answer to that.