In the last three years I have faced four deaths, both my parents and my mother in law and earlier this year my father in law. Every one was “special” to me. I was close with my mother in law, she was like a second mom and a wonderful person. My father in law was also very good to me and a very nice man and passed only a few months ago.

What I experienced the last few years of my parents lives was just so horrible that it deeply traumatized me and I am not the same person. I feel very damaged. Too many losses too close together, too many empty chairs and I am too broken hearted to do Christmas. I miss being able to pick up the phone and being able to talk to them.

It’s only been about two weeks now since the long toxic battle with my older sister finally finished. I feel like it took so much out of me that I am exhausted in ways that I sleep a lot. My long battle with my sister was toxic til the very end, she is by far the most toxic person I have dealt with in my life. And, that’s another death because what she showed me was not at all the person I had in my mind of her. I loved her and she turned out to be such a horrible cruel person. This is a very different kind of grief and I’m not sure how that grieve it.

It’s all to raw and painful right now, I don’t want to do Christmas, I can barely do a day without feeling exhausted. 😪