Beth - I really do not want to visit. It is a lot of time and expense to have a bad time.

For years I have suspected that my mother has had an undiagnosed personality disorder. She also has a lot of issues from her upbringing. Instead of working on herself or seeking psychiatric help, she just carried on the dysfunction to a new generation. That consisted of favoring my siblings and making me the bad guy. She would never think she needed help, everyone else was always the problem.

Since I have moved far away, we have had two visits. Neither was enjoyable. My family came here one time and once I met up with them and my siblings where they live in the U.S. After that she would plan family trips with everyone else, not asking for my input. She would inform me soon before the trip. If I said it didn't work for us, she would get upset. She always tried to guilt trip me into visiting them but would not consider coming here. She controlled all of that. My dad never stands up to her. No one does except me, to be honest. It seems pretty clear she did not want to see me. If she did, she would have involved me in trip planning.

Now she has dementia. For a while I participated in Zoom calls my sister arranged, even though I wasn't feeling it. I told myself it was only 45 minutes or so, maybe 3-4 times a year. However the dread started to build up days before a call. She had this habit for over a decade, way before the diagnosis, of scowling at me whenever I spoke on video calls. With the dementia it is worse. Any filter she may have had to control her worst behavior is gone. Whenever I spoke on the calls, I got the scowl. She would find the stupidest things to criticize, like my dogs appearing on camera or the shirt I was wearing. My husband doesn't speak English and even he felt the hostility coming from her. He was very supportive when, this year, I decided not to participate any more.

Then there are the practicalities and costs of plane tickets and getting my home country passport renewed, which I need to travel there. I obtained citizenship where I live now and I can get my passport at the civil registry in town. They even have an appointment system, which worked very well when I renewed my ID. I can travel anywhere but my home country with that and in our region, I only need my ID card. For my home country passport, it's about a two hour trip each way to the Embassy by public transit and I would have to do two trips. At one point you could renew by mail, but not any more.

It is very sad that my husband's godmother passed and I never got to meet her. It sounds like she was a very interesting and independent for her time. She was older when she took him in, so it wasn't too surprising she passed. He is very low contact with his biological mother and half siblings. They only see the relationship as what they can get from him, sadly.

The Ebony Ewe - Yes, it sounds like our situations are similar. It can be really hard to make friends as an adult. Your plans sound like fun to me. I hope you and your husband can enjoy it.

Aurelius 710 - Yes, those big family get-togethers can come with their own stress and problems. My mother's side of the family used to do those every year because most of the family was in a few hours of each other by car. Some years were okay. Others, not so much. I realize I don't really miss them. I had more fun during the five years we moved farther away and we would spend the holiday with my best friend and her family.


Open Eyes, I am sorry you are dealing with so much recent loss. It makes sense you would not feel like celebrating.