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Good afternoon or evening. I wish I was young, I'd go to Ukraine and fight like hell.
1. Did I go to my Mary session? No. I called very early this morning and cancelled. I did not want to look at her, plain and simple. I have a stack of paperwork for Medicare to fill out, it is so confusing, and I would feel more productive if I completed that than if I worked on issues with a therapist who, at her best, will be mediocre. Really, I didn't deny or procrastinate, I prioritized.
2. I called David early afternoon yesterday because it was important to deal with a situation with the book biz that need immediate attention. He was hungry. My computer was moving slowly. He was impatient, barking at me at first, then became impatient. I explained to him that there was nothing to do but wait, because I couldn't make my computer move any faster than it would.
He interrupted me as I was explaining what was happening, so I had to keep stopping to repeat what I was saying. I asked him to please stop interrupting me because it was only causing more complication. He said, "I was beginning to make my lunch!" When he is hungry he is like a 2 year old, plus I sensed that he had some OCD ritual going on, so was agitated.
I reiterated that we just had to be patient as I worked this through. At that point he screamed at me that my brain is scrambled! Scrambled! I have it all mixed up! I just need to back off! And a barrage of really mean, abusive attacks. All I was doing was methodically working at a step of the business that needed to be done. David was all wound up and beside himself. I continued with doing the work, but I was crying, and taking too long because I was getting so confused. David never even asked how I was feeling with this stabbing pain from the infection. Never asked if I need help.
I finished the process. I was crying and I told him that he had just abused me terribly. He was ice cold. I said good-bye.
Later he called and asked do I want to go to the luminaria show, as we had planned. It's an annual event that is supposed to be very beautiful, held in the historic neighborhood in town (where David has the honor of living). That event was the only, only holiday thing I had planned this season, except lighting my menorah for Hanukkah, which I do alone since the children grew up. David takes no interest in Judaism; after all, *his* family's religion was clearly superior, even though that's of course unspoken.
I couldn't do it. Couldn't ride in the car with him, faking it, flashing back on all the years of pain, and how stupid I was, too afraid to break away. I told him No, I couldn't go. I told him he had been so abusive to me that it had ruined my spirit for the day. He said a very fake I'm sorry. I think you should just learn to forgive people more. I die when he says that.
All I can think of is the Eagles song, it keeps me from going insane because I know I'm not the only one - Lyin' Eyes...
"She wonders how it ever got this crazy, She thinks about a boy she knew in school, Did she get tired or did she just get lazy, She's so far gone she feels just like a fool..."
So I jumped on Facebook and had a really nice, long talk with John (my former who I've reconnected with). Then I went over to Etsy and bought myself a pretty pair of earrings on David's dime.
This morning Mary called and David called and I don't want to hear from either one so their messages can just sit there.
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