THIS IS NOT A SUICIDAL LETTER OR ANYTHING

*sobs* i don't really even know where to start i've been madly depressed for 5 years i havn't cried in 4 years i've learned to live with this depression for to long

i've had a girlfriend for one year 2 months now and the only time i kinda feel happy is when i'm around her and when i have a girlfriend when i'm not around her i'm depressed as hell and sadly today i heard that she cheated on me last week but its not a fact yet how does somebody tell there partner they love them and be serious as can be then go and cheat

depression has seriously gone as far as it can get nothing and when i say nothing i mean NOTHING ever goes right for me i don't have a job or a car or a license i can't even get motivated to clean my room, take a shower, swim with my friends or even hangout with my friends

i've have tried anything and everything i can possible find on the internet or at the doctor to help me but nothing works NOTHING i don't know what to do i don't even like to talk to ppl i try and avoid ppl as much as i can i don't even talk to my parents i try everything that i can think would help but it doesn't i barly go outside cause time i walk out the door i don't know what to do after that so i walk back inside

i lost my childhood friend 5 years ago the only thing that i had to look forward to in life to make me smile or keep me happy

when i tell ppl i don't have anything to look forward to in life i always get a (don't say that yes you do just wait until your older you will see you have tons to look forward to) well you know what i'm older 6 years later what do i have to look forward to

i hate living so much no one even understands whats going on with me i'm seriously suprised i've made it this far in live honestly i don't want to die but i don't want to live i don't have anything to make me happy nothing what so ever

i get more and more stressed after each day from having panic attacks and sleep paralysis but you know ppl tell me to go to the doctor well you know i've gone 7 times and everytime i take any type of pill smoke pot do cocaine drink anything i have a panic attack i've now been clean and sober from anything for almost a year now and its seriously not helping i don't know what to do with myself and i either wake up paralized the next morning or start to fall asleep paralized

i blame my biological dad (which i havn't talked to in 12 years cause he doesn't want anything to do with me) for losing his virginity for the first time and getting my mom pregnant thus having me i blame my grandparents for not forcing my biological mom to have an abortion

and worst of all i blame myself..... i blame the air around me for keeping me alive

I WISH I COULD CRY AND RELEASE SOME OF THIS BOTTLED UP PAIN INSIDE ME ITS BEEN 4 YEARS WHAT WILL IT TAKE!!!!