Quote:
Originally Posted by *Beth*
Yes, that horrific trauma surely has had an effect on you. Imagine a child with a drunk, emotionally unstable woman (who is, btw, the child's mother) and how terrified that child feels in such a situation.
Something I learned, somewhere along the way a long time ago...
When I insisted that I was responsible for
I was told to look at girls of the ages I'd been abused. Look at how young they were. Did I really believe those girls could be responsible for something like what I'd been through?
When I did that I was shocked. Shocked. I looked at girls at those ages and realized they were children. In my mind I had been "so grown up." But no, I hadn't been. I was a child when he did those things. I could not have been the responsible one - he was!
Birdie, you might try doing that. Look at some little girls who are 9 years old or so and think about them doing what you HAD to do at that age. What would you say to those girls? What would you feel for them? |
I'm so sorry you went through that
and thank you, yes that is very a good idea/perspective to have.
My therapist also mentioned like how would would I feel about myself as a child looking back, like looking back with compassion
Another really hard thing was when I was in the hospital for 28 days following a suicide attempt when I was 14 years old, my psychiatrist there was trying to transfer me into a year long residential facility. I was so upset because I was doing so well on my meds and didn't understand why, a case manager there met with me and told me it seemed like my mom didn't care about me, she wasn't coming to any of the family meetings or anything, I was crying. I was so upset because I really felt that she cared about me and it really upset me to hear that.
I still insisted that she cared about me. Then I found out she was supposed to go to rehab when she was pregnant with me but she left, and continued drinking. That really pissed me off, because it has made me really start to question if she really ever did care about me. I didn't find out about that until recently. Then she passed away in 2016 from leukemia.
Part of me felt like I should hate myself because if my own mother clearly didn't give a damn about me, and if my father (left when I was 2 months old) doesn't care about me, I clearly wasn't wanted, I just happened to be born and was carried along for the ride in my mom's chaotic life I guess.
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“All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi
Diagnosis:
Schizoaffective disorder Bipolar type
PTSD
Social Anxiety Disorder
Anorexia Binge/Purge type