Thanks for posting this. I've read a few of your previous posts. So, although we don't know one another, I feel like I have at least a cursory idea of where you're coming from. (Perhaps I'm wrong, though? If so, please forgive me.) I will tell you I'm not in a position to be judgmental here because, many years ago, I got myself into similar circumstances. (I'll spare you the details.) I mention this only as a way of letting you know you're not alone.

I do agree with the other repliers that what needs to happen here is you need to get to the bottom of what's really going on with you... what's causing you to have that empty hole you mentioned. (That's easy for me to say I know, since I never did it. But, then, you don't want to follow in my footsteps. They don't lead anywhere you want to go.)

You mentioned not wanting to talk about yourself and not trusting the T you saw. I can relate to that. I suspect a lot of (if not most) men feel that way. I certainly have. But unfortunately, so far as I'm aware, it's about the only way to sort all of this out. Of course, you have to find a therapist you feel comfortable with and have confidence in. And finding that particular T can take some time & effort. Part of the problem you had with your previous experience, I suspect, was the circumstances you were in dictated who you saw rather than you searching for, and finding, a T you really felt comfortable with. That, to my mind, is a prescription for failure.

You ended your post by saying you feel there's nothing that can be done and that you deserve this after what you did. Despair plus guilt and shame adds up to a toxic brew, one that may ultimately lead to the loss of the person you wrote you love more than anything else in this world. Yes, what happened, happened. And, yes, it was bad. But it's over and done. Now is the time to recognize the circumstances you're in and take positive action to bring it to a (hopefully) happy (or at least satisfactory) conclusion. Your wife can't make that happen for you. Best wishes...