Well... it's going to take someone on here who's a lot smarter than me to answer your questions. But I know I've had the same questions about myself. (I'll spare you the details.)

Actually, I don't believe there are any real answers. Just theories, any one of which may be as good... or bad... as any of the rest. (Take your pick.) And, in the end, I suppose it doesn't matter. All that matters is what are you / can you do from this point on to make things better... is there something you can do? I recall a brief conversation I once had with a therapist where I said: "I know what my options are. I just don't like any of them." And now I'm an old man. So none of it matters anymore anyway.

I like to read, or at least I used to like to read, articles on brain research that has been going on using fMRI technology. And one of the tidbits of information that has stuck with me is that much more of who we are, and what we do, is controlled by areas of the brain to which we have no conscious access than we would typically imagine. So, in my own case, I presume that, perhaps, there is material stored in non-conscious areas of my brain that has caused me to become the person I have been and continue to be. I don't know. But it's a concept that makes sense to me. That's about all I can say. Hopefully someone else will have a more insightful answer. Best wishes...