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Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight
Session with Dr. T went well today. I shared with him some of the stuff I'd discussed with R. I said I realized I'd been pushing him too much in areas where he was uncomfortable and not respecting his feelings about it. And also sort of turning the tables on him, trying to analyze him instead. I said I was sorry for doing those things. He said he really appreciated my saying that and how it meant a lot to him. Then said that again at the end. So I guess it really affected him.
I also told him about what I'd said to R near the end about not letting him define me, how I am someone with strong emotions who shares them sometimes, and that's OK. How my mom acted like I should keep them all in, and I didn't want to feel I had to be that way. And I said I had a second part that I'd realized this morning. Dr. T asked if he could comment on the first part, and he said how the feelings themselves weren't the issues. That they're fine. But that he's trying to teach me how people can be affected what I do with them, like in terms of my sharing them.
I said the second part that struck me this morning was "I don't get to define you either." Like to not suggest there's something wrong with him for being uncomfortable with my feelings toward him. Or with how he is in general. That it's just how he is, and that's OK. He seemed to appreciate that as well.
As painful as some of this has been, I think it's also leading to some important realizations for me, maybe a breakthrough of sorts?
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Does he need to teach you how you can affect others? I just wonder because it strikes me that you know very well and that you are very used to making yourself smaller and quieter so you don't affect others. I am someone who also has big reactions and big emotions and I spent years thinking I was the problem and I needed to just learn the "right" way to be. It did not stop anything.
Turns out I had undiagnosed ADHD and a heck of a lot of CPTSD. the only thing that stopped or quieted that part of me was deep EMDR on my childhood parts. I can honestly say my wife and I haven't had a blow out fight since 2020. It has been everything to learn more about how my brain works and what drives things. Everything is quieter and I don't have to work at masking myself. I have so much more control over my ability even though I still have strong emotions. My T has never once invalidated those emotions although she has gently questioned the truth behind them. If I felt I had to control myself in therapy and not really explore WHY then I dont think I would get far.
Shame is not really a great teacher, masking how you feel for the comfort of others doesn't seem like it's really working at the root. You T seems to have missed a really great chance to explore things with you because of his own feelings. It's ok if that's what you want but really truly is it getting to the core of anything??
If you still have the big reaction and big emotion but just turn all of it inwards while trying not to upset anyone is that something that will benefit you ? For me I love not hurting others with my big reactions but I love it more because I feel like I am coping, I have 80% less reactions and when it happens I'm not masking I'm using resources to be able to soothe myself.