What is concerning about what you share is that you keep expressing a desire to have this ideal family and home and what you are failing to see is that this is not what your wife wants. Your wife’s unhappiness is not your fault. However, your wife uses your guilt to empower herself.

Individuals that have trauma related disorders struggle with experiencing emotional balance and insecurities. When a person turns to alcohol and drugs to aide in reducing these unwanted feelings and insecurities, they stop maturing and developing healthier coping methods.

Your therapist has mentioned to you that he feels your wife’s behavior patterns are “disordered”. The therapist mentioned a possibility that your wife may be struggling with borderline personality disorder, but, the therapist can’t really diagnose her because he doesn’t have personal experience interacting with her.

I have also had a therapist listen to behaviors that were confusing me in my older sister. I had three different therapists tell me that I was dealing with a very disordered person. Some possible disorders were brought up of BPD, NPD, and how certain disorders show a persons inability to deal with their deep emotional insecurities and how this comes out in certain behavior patterns. I found it daunting as I began to read about these different disorders.

I also felt sad that a person can be so damaged that they develop these disorders that affect others in toxic ways. The one thing the person can’t deal with is reality. Yet mostly they never learned how to regulate their emotions. As a result, they developed unhealthy ways of escaping these uncomfortable emotional challenges. Some include turning to drugs and alcohol.

When you share about what you have been dealing with in your wife’s behaviors, there are many things she has been doing that narcissists do in order to gain a sense of power. You have described stonewalling, ghosting, being nice and then not being nice. Also, creating a false narrative.

When you love someone that is disordered, you will be traumatized. You also risk becoming trauma bonded and codependent. You ask, how can I help so this person behaves good all the time like when things seem to be going well? The answer is, this is nothing YOU can fix or change. Instead, all you are doing is participating in the person’s disordered functioning pattern.

I know you really want this normal family life that you describe. However, your wife doesn’t want this and her ongoing increasingly dysfunctional disordered behaviors keep saying just that. Your wife is also getting these outside messages that are only serving to increase her disordered and distorted patterns. It sounds like others are projecting their own problems onto your wife. That is when a support group becomes unhealthy.

Meanwhile, your wife’s behaviors are slowly damaging and even traumatizing your children. This especially damaging to your youngest child who no choice but to live in your dysfunctional home.

I am not telling you to divorce your wife, nor am I trying to diagnose her. However, from what you share, I feel that your desire to have the ideal family life and home is causing you to overlook important things that are now at a point where you can no longer ignore the dysfunction that is affecting you and your children.