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I can relate to your experience in a way. Here is my long reply. I hope it helps.
I had two periods of psychiatric illness in my life that doesn’t fit neatly in any diagnosis. The only diagnoses (ASD and GAD) that fit don’t come close to describing those two periods of my life. I heard three different labels: bipolar spectrum, first episode psychosis, and agitated depression.
My first experience was hell. I think it started out as generic depression that eventually mutated into something more serious. I started hallucinating and experienced ideas of reference that gradually became more developed. About six months after that started I began to struggle with reality testing. My world started to get really bizarre. Eventually it began to feel “normal” or logical even though my thinking was odd and implausible to an outsider.
I remember feeling very restless during that time. At times it was severe. Sometimes I would feel like hurting myself (which I never did) or letting the tension out violently by breaking things and punching walls which I did. When it got really bad I would go on very long walks to nowhere, just to walk the energy off. It was nasty and very hard to contain myself. Walking seemed to help the most. Sometimes I would scream.
The restlessness I felt was deep. It did not resemble my typical anxious restlessness or an over consumption of caffeine. It was a combination of mental anxiety and extremely restless muscles. I could not sit still. It affected my ability to focus and sleep. It was brutal and felt like the unpleasant side effects of a Haldol injection. There were no feelings of elation or euphoria, although I did believe I held special knowledge that everyone was oblivious to. I was also paranoid.
When this illness crept up I wasn’t on any medication and using any substances. I wasn’t looking after myself very well. E.g., eating well. I wonder if that had anything to do with it.
My present psychiatrist told me I had psychosis. The consult she had me go to at the hospital stated it was probably “bipolar spectrum”. That psychiatrist backed it up with my reaction to Cipralex. When I started taking it I got “high” for about 4 weeks. It was mostly pleasant. I didn’t require much sleep. I was motivated to do things, but was restless and struggled to focus.
Could the psychiatrist be misinterpreting medication side effects for mental illness?
The second time I got ill, it wasn't as severe. I wish I knew exactly what I had or that it fit neatly in a diagnosis.
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Dx: Didgee Disorder
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