(((RD))). That sounds like what they call "crazy-making." It's not unusual, and it's not you. From my experience, it's about control. Who has it. My DH is very skilled at turning everything around on me. As I've become more aware of his tactics, I've learned to not play into them.

Dh and I are on different pages. I thought he was on an "us" page where we are working toward the same end. Now I realize that his interest isn't in having a cohesive family, it's getting his needs met at any cost. It's most obvious when he puts his needs above DD's. When he priorities his dumb drama over her needs, it becomes so clear. He is a broken kid, and more importantly, i am not his mother. Perhaps this applies to your wife too 🙁

We very much enjoy when dh is away. It is so calm and fun and there is no drama. There's a guy on YouTube who refers to this as the "drama sh**storm." Hopefully you can refer back to your time alone with the kids and see how much more functional that time seemed. And then see the storm she brings with her.

I mentioned a book a few posts ago and it might help you understand the dynamic that might be at play a little bit better. We love them, we try talking, begging, explaining, you name it, and we just get beat up over and over, and confused too. I've developed some better boundaries and quit trying to explain or get him on board with me. It's helped a lot. I feel bad for you because I feel like you and I are on the same road and I know how sick I feel at times.

I don't think it's you though. She, like my DH, has a lot more to gain by making you think her issues are actually yours.