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The fact that you're ashamed about it is actually a great sign. It shows you've changed. You can't undo the past, yes, but from now on you have the choice to treat your cat in the best way you can, and discussing this with a therapist can help you move on.
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"I don't know what I'm looking for."
"Why not?"
"Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them."
"What, are you crazy?"
"It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet,"
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