Hello, a lot of what you are going through I am also now experiencing. I'm on my 2nd marriage. First one lasted two months and she cheated on me. It sucked but we were together 3 years total, no kids so clean break. I immediately went back to dating and about a year later after lots and lots of dates I found my wife of 11 years 14 hrs together 2 beautiful children a 9year old girl and 5 year old boy. She was everything I wanted in a partner we texted every day when we went to work said I love you, kissed, held hands, had sex regularly showered together. With the birth of my daughter we were not prepared for the strain, we had a crib a baby monitor but instead my wife was nursing found it easier for her sanity and mine to sleep in the other room. Not being selfish I understood completely, this continued we still had sex just less frequent and my son was born 3 1/2 years later same thing my daughter transitioned to her own room but my wife stayed sleeping in the other room. With two kids less time for ourselves and during this time she had her thyroid removed as well. In short I was dying wanting to be close to her but I thought I just need to tough it out. Plus I'd be such a jerk to demand things when she is taking care of kids etc. I remember texting her and ending every text with each other xoxo. I know it's small but the day she didn't respond with that my heart broke. It was just a growing sign of her pulling back. With my first wife I aggressively tried to do counseling and save the marriage but I think she was done and that just pushed her away. I was having sex maybe 3 or 4 times a year and it was all me initiating it. She never once in at least 8 years asked to be close. We stopped kissing holding hands. This year I became desperate to try and rekindle something. My son should be close to sleeping on his own and I can finally get my wife back! How optimistic I am and foolish. I tried introducing sex toys, even asking her what her fantasies were. She told me she wanted to see me with another woman. She wouldn't be involved just me and the other woman. I was shocked I didn't really want that, I wanted her but I kept asking when we were intimate if she was really serious and not just harmless fantasy sharing. She said no she was then she said my homework was to find another girl to have sex with and she would set up the motel room etc. She said she wouldn't have sex with me until that happened. This is last week. So I was joining every dating site to hook up so I could please my wife. Well online dating sucks I got married to settle down but last night I got a hook up chat a d told my wife that someone wanted to hook up now. She said ok have fun. Showed her a Pic she said she is cute. It was a 10 min drive and I was nervous. Never would of thought this would be happening. I get there and the girl ghosted me. So I texted my wife she laughed at me and was home. On the way back I asked if we could have a quickie hoping just driving to hook up might of got her in the mood. Got the tired and cranky excuse. She told me to video chat with some girl. Then she called a mutual Freind and I heard her complaining about our relationship and how we don't hold hands or kiss. How she needs to stay away from Geminis laughing. It hurt me so much. All that I was doing and enduring for her trying to et her back. I said we need to talk and I told her I never wanted to be hooking up I wanted her. I'm crying pleading to save our marriage and she just is emotionless. Said she shuts down because she doesn't want a fight. Said she knew she wasn't giving me what I needed so she wanted me to get it somewhere. The real red flag was there seemed to be zero desire to work on it to rekindle anything. I said let's do marriage counseling she said she wants us to go individually but seemed hesitant. Told me to talk to the mutual Freind about it. I told her I wanted to talk to her a bout it. I'm not so optimistic to see the writing. On the wall my marriage is ending right before holidays and it probably already was gone but I'm heading off the cliff emotionally and can't do anything to stop this. She is a wonderful mother and despite the hurt and lack of emotion I love her fully. I don't think about other girls I think about my wife. I have not slept in the same bed for almost 10 years. Can. We come back from this, I don't k ow what to do. My support network is just my family never had close Freinds even growing up all my eggs were in my wife's basket and she is tossing it away. I said I feel like this is heading for divorce and she didn't respond one way or the other. I didn't mean to write all this but hearing your pain it was like a mirror, you are where I am going to be just with kids involved. How can I go to family holiday gatherings and act like I'm OK? How do I sheikd my kids from this. I'm not mad at her just sad. I want her to be happy and I'm just not the love of her life. I should of spoke up instead of trusting that she was doing what was best for us and our family. I already know this will hurt me more than her, I'm invested she checked out. She said she isn't interested in anyone else she is just emotionally numb. I told her she is asexual for sure. Doesn't crave sex talk about it. She has not cheated on me, she just reads all the time romance novels. That is her free time not trying to ask me about my day etc. I know deep down I deserve more but I will go down trying to save the ship. That's just who I am. I need to get in support groups and just try to get a hobby meet new people. I just don't know how I can do this. I need help and this thread just sole to me. To know I'm not alone, I have tears as I write this in bed alone.