. I'm on my 2nd marriage. First one lasted two months and she cheated on me. I was 30. It sucked but we were together 3 years total, no kids so clean break. I immediately went back to dating new what I wanted and wasn't going to let that short marriage stop me from happiness and about a year later after lots and lots of dates I found my wife of 11 years married and 14 years together, with 2 beautiful children a 9year old girl and 5 year old boy. My wife was everything I wanted in a partner we texted every day when we went to work said I love you, kissed, held hands, had sex regularly showered together. We would always check to make sure we made it to work ok and would say "at work xoxo" With the birth of my daughter we were not prepared for the strain, we had a crib a baby monitor but instead my wife was nursing found it easier for her sanity and mine to sleep in the other room. Not being selfish I understood completely, this continued we still had sex just less frequent and my son was born 3 1/2 years later same thing my daughter transitioned to her own room but my wife stayed sleeping in the other room. With two kids less time for ourselves and during this time she had her thyroid removed as well. In short I was dying wanting to be close to her but I thought I just need to tough it out. Plus I'd be such a jerk to demand things when she is taking care of kids dealing with thyroid issues etc. I remember texting her and ending every text with each other xoxo. I know it's small but the day she didn't respond with that my heart broke. It was just a growing sign of her pulling back. There were other signs as years went on, but we got into a routine with kids and just ignored the issues, well for myself I was in denial and my wife was avoiding difficult conversations. With my first wife I aggressively tried to do counseling and save the marriage but I think she was done and that just pushed her away. I was having sex maybe 3 or 4 times a year and it was all me initiating it. She never once in at least 8 years asked to be close. We stopped kissing holding hands. Slowly the things we did together watching TV shows, going out to eat, vacation planning together slowed to a trickle. This year I became desperate to try and rekindle something. My son should be close to sleeping on his own and I can finally get my wife back! How optimistic I am and foolish. I tried introducing sex toys, even asking her what her fantasies were. She told me she wanted to see me with another woman. She wouldn't be involved just me and the other woman. I was shocked I didn't really want that, I wanted her but I kept asking when we were intimate if she was really serious and I it was not just a harmless fantasy sharing in the moment . She said no she was serious then she said my homework was to find another girl to have sex with and she would set up the motel room etc. She said she wouldn't have sex with me until that happened. This is last week btw. So I was joining every dating site to hook up so I could please my wife for the last 3 days. Well online dating sucks I got married to settle down not do this. But last night I got a hook up chat and showed my wife that someone wanted to hook up now. She said ok have fun. Showed her a Pic she said she is cute. It was a 10 min drive and I was nervous. Never would of thought this would be happening. I get there and the girl ghosted me. So I texted my wife she laughed at me and was on my way home. On the way back I asked if we could have a quickie hoping just driving to hook up might of got her in the mood. Got the tired and cranky excuse. She told me to video chat with some girl. I went upstairs and then came down and she was on the phone with a mutual Freind and I happen to overhear her complaining about our relationship and how we don't hold hands or kiss. How she needs to stay away from Geminis and laughing about it in casual conversation. It hurt me so much. I also got she did this because of me driving over to meet up I figure. All that I was doing and enduring was trying to get the spark back. I said we need to talk and I told her I never wanted to be hooking up I wanted her. I'm crying pleading to save our marriage and she just is emotionless. Said she shuts down because she doesn't want a fight. Said she knew she wasn't giving me what I needed so she wanted me to get it somewhere. The real red flag was there seemed to be zero desire to work on it to rekindle anything. I said let's do marriage counseling she said she wants us to go individually but seemed hesitant. Told me to talk to the mutual Freind about it. I told her I wanted to talk to her a bout it. I'm not so optimistic to not see the writing on the wall. My marriage is ending right here before holidays and it probably already was gone but I'm heading off the cliff emotionally and can't do anything to stop this. She is a wonderful mother and despite the hurt and lack of emotion I love her fully. I don't think about other girls I think about my wife. I have not slept in the same bed for almost 10 years. Can we come back from this, I don't know what to do. My support network is just my family never had close Freinds even growing up all my eggs were in my wife's basket and she is tossing it away. I said I feel like this is heading for divorce and she didn't respond one way or the other. How can I go to family holiday gatherings and act like I'm OK? How do I shelter my kids from this? I'm not mad at her just sad. I want her to be happy and I'm just not the love of her life. I should of spoke up instead of trusting that she was doing what was best for us and our family. I already know this will hurt me more than her, I'm invested and she checked out. She said she isn't interested in anyone else she is just emotionally numb. I told her she is asexual for sure, but I want to fight for our marriage. She Doesn't crave sex or talk about it. She has not cheated on me, she just reads all the time hours of romance novels. That is her free time not trying to ask me about my day etc. I know deep down I deserve more but I will go down trying to save the ship. That's just who I am. I need to get in support groups and just try to get a hobby meet new people build a support network but I'm 45 now not young anymore, I don't know if I can do it.. I just don't know how I can do this. I need help. To know I'm not alone, I have tears as I write this in bed alone.