The congitive dissonance is really tough. It's the thing that I struggle with the most. How do you wrap your head around that sort of thing?

I was convinced for almost four years that dh had some kind of early onset behavior variant dementia because there was no part of me that could accept that he would treat me the way he was otherwise. I still think he may have some physiological damages, but I am now also slowly seeing patterns of behavior going back many years. Back then, they were milder and I gave him a pass- then they got bad and the bad just didn't seem like the person I knew.

Anyhow, even if he is sick, even if your wife is sick, we shouldn't tolerate the behaviors and treatment we have been subjected to. It took me a while to see that boundaries don't have to be mean, even if he doesn't like them and thinks they are.

Learning about covert manipulations and control tactics has helped a lot too. It's external validation of things experienced. Things that can be very hard to pinpoint, and things that other people will probably not see.

It also helped when he got so out of control that there was no doubt about how messed up he has become. At that point it was like a light going on in my head that no matter what happens, I need to take care of myself first (as well as kiddo). That caused me to emotionally detach from him to a large extent, and as sad as it feels, it's also a blessing that keeps me in a place where I don't succumb to emotions around him anymore. I'm also don't get into involved conversations with him anymore. The pattern was that they always got turned around on me so there was no reason to keep doing it. Nothing ever got solved to my satisfaction. Ever. The power of giving up?

In codependent no more, she says have a love affair with yourself. That's where I am right now- rediscovering me separate from him, and we'll see where it goes eventually. A few weeks ago he was going on in a very self centered way, I finally told him that I was the first person I had abandoned and that i need to reconnect with myself. He accused me of being selfish and one sided! It's okay when we are both focused on him, but when I focus on myself the way he focuses on himself, it's a problem. Wow, lightbulb. Backing away and detaching gives a lot of perspective.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. If it's anything like my situation, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.