Sometimes, I love my brain. Sometimes, I hate my brain. Today is one of the times I hate my brain. I don't think I'm going to be able to talk to you about this. F***. Every time I try to work it all through in my head I just go round and round and round in circles. I looked at my calendar and realised we have been doing Thursdays since the beginning of October. But then when I looked closer, I see that we have only had six Thursdays in three months. That's not a whole load. But then, we agreed on two a month, and that's two a month. And I know that I have very much looked forward to the times when I've been able to have them because I look forward to a sense of continuity during those weeks. To getting into the work. And then I doubt myself. Did you tell me that we could only do it for three months? I don't think so, but you might have done. I know I have a bad memory, especially when I am dissociated. So I don't know if I should mention anything because I'll feel so stupid if you say you did. But I don't think you did. I don't think I would have said to start if I knew we weren't going to be able to continue. But then I might have done. Who knows. And I don't want to spend my entire session talkijg about this, which I think we will if I bring it up, but then if I don't bring it up I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to focus on the work we are supposed to be doing. I don't know how I will sit there and say anything, knowing this hurt and confusion are there. So is there any point in me coming at all? F***. Maybe you just forgot? But Christ, if you forgot we even have sessions on Thursdays, what else are you going to forget? Maybe you didn't think I would mind? But who the hell are you to make decisions for me? And then I feel bad for wanting the time, when someone else who needs help could also be making use of every Thursday morning, rather than me who only does every other week. Is that my problem though? Not really, but it's another reason not to make a big deal out of this. Someone else's needs are obviously greater than mine. We both know how that plays into my past. Walk away, stay and fight or just do nothing, pretend nothing has happened. Wow, the similarities are striking when you look at it like that. I think I'll probably end up doing what I've always done before, rightly or wrongly. I'll come. I'll sit in that chair and I will silently stew. Bottling all of my feelings up. Cutting off from myself. And I'll wait for you to destroy me.