Well, I have two very close friends online. I've never been as close to anyone as I am with them, and I care about them deeply. The only problem is I'm living a big lie.

See, I used to be anorexic and then turned to coe and gained lots of weight and then I was somewhat a mixture of anorexic, coe, and bulimic. I met these people online and never intended on being friends with them. A lot of times I tend to absorb my thinking with weight, calories, food, exercise, and so on. When I first met them someone asked how much I weighed...and I gave the weight I used to be when I was anorexic b/c I was embarrased.

So then they thought I was very underweight....and I'm the type that hates to admit when I'm wrong sometimes and doesn't like to tell when I've lied. I didn't think I'd be friends with them. It was online...I didn't think you could get close to anybody online. I was too embarrased and stubborn to admit I lied so I ended up using it....b/c I'm very much into my eating issues and weight's a big part of it.

I've wanted to tell them for so long, but I haven't for many reasons. I'm embarrassed b/c I'm not underweight, and after being caught in these eating issues for over a year shouldn't I be thin by now? I didn't think anyone would take me seriously or they'd be laughing inside b/c I had eating issues and wasn't thin. I didn't want to admit I lied...especially after having known them for a year and a half. I didn't want to hurt them...it would crush both of them and I don't want to cause them any more pain. I don't want our relationships to change. I've lied about that, but I've been honest with everything else (and oddly enough with the one person I can't seem to lie about anything but this). These are all apart of it.... I've wanted to tell them so many times. I've written out things....but have never given them to anyone.

The guilt grows more and more each day. It's hard for me to talk to them without feeling so horrible about lying to them.

Last fall I wanted to kill myself b/c I thought my one friend knew and I hated myself so much b/c I was afraid I'd hurt him.

I know what I need to do. I need to tell them. Yet, when I think about it the only option that comes to mind is leaving them so I can't hurt them. I've been in a fight with the one friend and I know I can just leave now.... The other one I don't know about. I want to tell him and I'd also like to leave him so I don't hurt him. He's very dependent on me though...and I'm his only friend. We're very close and I'd have to admit I'm very dependent on him also.

I know this isn't the right thinking...the right thing to do would be to tell the truth. I always think about this and decide to put it on the shelf for later, but when the time comes to take it off and do something..I never do.

Sorry this was so long....Does anyone have any advice to make it easier and so I don't hurt them so much?

~flier