As a child, I was happy and healthy, normal in development. I had an issue where I didn’t want to eat. I ate very little. It was enough that the doctor was not too concerned, and did not know a reason for my inability to eat much. I must have eaten small amounts of food, enough to sustain health.

My mother was upset and frustrated with me about my lack of eating. She would openly express her disgust to me. She would eventually scream at and berate me at the dinner table with the family, who watched in horror and did nothing to stop her. I would cry hysterically, run away to my room. It was traumatic. There were other incidents where she screamed at me like that for my bad behaviors, normal bad behaviors for a young child.

These were the memories I have of me being emotionally dysregulated.

This stopped before I was age ten.

From then, until I was age 35, the times where I cried hysterically (was emotionally dysregulated) were no more than a handful. It was a handful of fights with my mother. It was a good cry when I got dumped by a bf for a couple of hours. It was one time, right before my wedding, where my mother went off on me like a psycho for no good reason (it must have been that she had anxiety about the upcoming wedding and let it out on me). It wasn’t enough times that I would say I had an issue with emotional dysregulation. It was all reaction to a raging person emotionally attacking me, and that one time, a bf dumping me in an intentionally callous way.

I had no episodes at school, or with friends. I did not get brought to hysterical tears at all by anyone or anything else.

When I got married, after a few years of a very good relationship, a lot of struggle started with him. After childbirth, more struggle. It all had to do with emotional and physical intimacy.

I began to cry hysterically and have altercations with him, unable to work through our conflict, frustration, I am not heard and seen. He does not understand what I say I need from him. He says he will and then he won’t. He says he doesn’t know what I am talking about when he disappoints me. He frustrates me to hysterical crying.

I immediately reach out for professional help. I first went to my ob/gyn. It was shortly after giving birth. He prescribed an AD. When that wasn’t working, he prescribed some other meds. It wasn’t working. My situation escalated. I went to my mother’s with a gallon baggie of prescriptions he had prescribed and gave it to my mother. I went cold turkey off all the meds. They were supposed to be weaned off, not cold turkey. My doctor didn’t even return my call when i reached out for help. I felt abandoned by my husband and by my doctor (who were friends).

The story continues even more dysfunctionally from there for decades.

Over time, seeing several different doctors, I am eventually diagnosed with Emotional Dysregulation Disorder and other varying diagnoses from different doctors. Some doctors told me I have no diagnosis. I do not get support to leave my dysfunctional marriage.

Truly a diagnosis or just in a dysfunctional relationship?

I want to really, finally have correct professional opinions and understand what’s really going on. This has been a nightmare for me.