Yes, good luck with a much better situation Reagon

Katie, and VoNPD, I also know about narcissism.

I married it. Experienced a horrible marriage. Pain and hardship, heartache, and at times, poverty ... were the punishments heaped on me by narcs.

First, my mother was a narc. classic, right? Not uncommon, subconsciously we marry our parent hoping to fix them and us? Another time about that.

What little I understood about child physical, verbal and emotional child abuse back then could fill an ocean. Those times, the late 60's, 70's, we thought we were bad - and deserving of harsh treatment because after all, parents don't lie - period.

Then, an ill-equipped teen on her own, I go out into the world, not able to make good choices for myself, and within seven years, I marry a narcissistic man, having no clue yet, mind you, that he would be a problem. A terrible problem. I didn't even know men were capable of the things he would do in his life, that's how clueless I was. And innocent.

Katie, it started much like yours right out of the gate.

Within the first years, alcohol came into the picture too. Disappearances. Then desperation and occasional poverty. I worked and barely could afford the roof over my head. And I couldn't afford anything, barely making bills. Nobody helped me either.

When the narc was with us, he gave us money for the household.
When he was not, he gave no money. Nothing. He was always in trouble too. These were clues, I know now, to stay away, but the narc had me convinced his problems could be fixed if he came home to his family - he loved us, etc., etc., and with my vulnerability, I took him back, although deep down I hated myself for caving in ... without knowing exactly what was wrong with him, I knew this was getting more bizarre, if nothing else.

I asked my physician for a referral for a T or something to help me because I thought I was losing my mind with all the lies and abandonments and my Dr. told me - 'it's your husband that needs a pdoc, not you'.

After two long separations, I wasn't about to do a third. I called it quits. I just left.

... oh, and over the years, his g/f's were either junkies, nurses (who could take care of him), or harsher types, bizarre too, narcs also, I'd bet on it now. By the condition of his health and well-being, it was so deteriorated after I'd left that within a few years, I'd begun to realize that mental illness has taken him over completely, and he had no grasp on reality, and as he was older now, he hadn't the loyalty and caregiving of the quality my family supplied, so he was in and out of hospitals more than ever - he started with them near the end of our marriage - until he eventually died - too early - and alone.
Very sad, isn't it? And I only told you a few paragraphs.

Paying mind to the living, I had to leave. That man did ruin my life back then, and at the highest periods of my life prior to leaving him for good, he ruined a few jobs for me, my friendships, my family life, life with in-laws, landlords, neighbors, you name it. He even tried to ruin my life with the kids. I still have an issue with an adult-child. He tried to instill hatreds, and I was extracting the bad influences all the time. Terrible, yes. ugh.

Anyway, I gave too many chances as I didn't know what I was dealing with and a part of me thought I didn't deserve any better (thanks to my mother, who really liked this guy btw, in spite of all the devastation, but that's another narc story).

My self-esteem was shot, my embarrassment level was off the hook, and nobody gave me any credit for anything - not even trying to preserve my family (unless I was getting it from a T). I would had to start my life completely over, again, alone, by myself.

That turned out to be the best thing ever.

I had no relationships with my ex or my mother. That was the start of something wonderful. Since neither narc wanted me to have anyone or anything, and they were not a part of my reality anymore, I excelled in everything I did. No more deprivation, no more dark cloud following me around. No more problems of others making I had to straighten out or suffer for. I was free. And a new lease on life brought me to the avenues of professional skill, lifestyle, environment, self-reliance. My esteem grew, my finances grew, my determination grew, and my heart began to heal.

Still on the journey. I can now count on one hand the difficulties I have. I am managing the best i can today, and will do better at the next opportunity. Everyday is better because I am not back there - I moved on. I survived it.

When one needs to go, and they have no other option but to leave, because the pain to stay would be worse than the pain of leaving - they go. It may take longer than others would like it, but, this is usually how it works, especially when you have a sadistic or hostile mate, or incorrigible partner who is inflicted with something beyond what the power of love can do to help improve or heal.

love to all those suffering in loveless or one-way marriages, may you find strength.
nightbird

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