The reason I am so obsessed with trying to figure out how much is me/how much is them is because it is so complicated.
There is biological predisposition, childhood trauma. My mother was a good enough one, but she was over the top. It was abuse. It was only crying then from getting raged at, not the added anger that happened with husband. Also, my father died, which was trauma, and for some unknown reason I never cried.
Then there was a tween, teen, young adult life where the huge emotional dysregulation (crying, anger)never happened. While I was pretty immature and made some not so great choices, I don’t think I was much worse than anyone else.
Then there is the extremely covert abuse my h is doing which triggers me.
Then there is what I feel about myself that I would stay in any relationship that I even suspect is abusive. Yes, I guess I would choose to stay even though it hurt me. So, that’s more evidence of issues with me. Good grief.