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TishaBuv
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TishaBuv It’s mostly them, and somewhat me.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
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Default Dec 24, 2022 at 11:45 AM
 
Another thread discussed dysfunctional holidays. I didn’t want to detract from the OP, but wanted to try to make sense of my experience.

As a kid, teen, young adult before meeting my husband, my mother made holidays. They were happy for all of us. There was no drama (mostly). She did things her way. Family and friends came and participated. Everyone acted as you’d expect in a good way. My mother enjoyed being the hostess and having the attention on her.

I didn’t feel deprived about gifts nor spoiled. I really wanted a dog, but they wouldn’t get me one. Otherwise, I generally got the main gifts I asked Santa for. The dinner parties were nice. It was a good feeling about family.

Holidays were good while my father was alive and while my mother was married to my step dad.

I had birthday parties as a kid that my mom would make me. Kids came, all was fine.

As a teen, I always had a nice birthday. My mom always gave me a gift and treated me special that day, at least a meal with a cake and a candle, singing happy birthday. Always nice. Not an issue. For my 16th birthday she made me a beautiful Sweet 16. At 18, she gave me a gorgeous pair of diamond stud earrings!

My friends and boyfriends were always there to help me celebrate birthdays, as I was for them. There was never any struggle in my life over holidays before I got married.

When I got married everything changed. It became a struggle between my husband not knowing what to do, not wanting to do, disappointing me. We couldn’t get on the same page about what I wanted and what he wanted to do. He would say he would do what I wanted, then he would disappoint me. This started as soon as I started dating him, but I didn’t get upset about it until after several years of disappointment and intermittent reinforcement. He was inconsistent, keeping me confused and unhinged, having expectation then being let down. This has been the theme in other areas with him, too.

When I got married my mother became a difficult source of struggle over holidays. She wasn’t the hostess doing it her way in her house anymore. Even when she did it in her house, because of my husband, she was forced to do things differently due to his requirements. She was resentful of this. She gave me intense struggle throughout the years. I felt a tug of war between him, me, and her. Me at the center getting tugged in all directions.

I developed emotional dysregulation, hysterical crying meltdowns. Holiday struggles caused this. I was the culprit who ruined holidays by having a meltdown. Then I would always have to pick myself up and continue to cook and make the festivities and look great by the time the guests (rest of the family) arrived. The photos looked beautiful, you would never know what went down prior.

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