This wasn't jumping to anything this has been 9 years of emotional and physical detachment from her and me becoming so desperate to change the status quo that, when she brought it up as more than just a fantasy but something she wanted me to do or she would not be with me physically, it crushed me. I didn't do it and I was open with her at the opportunity and asked if she still wanted me to do it. She said go have fun. Like no big deal but part of what you said is correct I should of never entertained that though and set boundaries, the emotions I'm feeling are causing me to not make the best choices. I'm at the point of becoming numb emotionally that I'm willing to try anything, to get her to respond in someway to me. I'm ashamed, of my choices lately but for 9 years none of this was going on or brought up until last part of this year so it wasn't that. I don't want anyone else I want her but I also need to have an emotional and physical connection, not someone who sleeps with me every couple of months just to get me off her case. I'm certain I need to work on myself and build my self esteem back up, I know how letting this continued to happen without standing up for my needs has slowly eroded my confidence in the bedroom as well as how I feel about myself. It's a tough pill to swallow.