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Dec 24, 2022, 08:32 PM
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Member Since: Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
Posts: 15,701
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For those who saw my frantic post (since deleted), I want to mention it because I don't think I'm supposed to name a mod by name, but I want to say that a mod was so kind, so patient, in gently pointing out to me that it was I, myself, who accidentally deleted the song lyrics I posted.
I'm making major mistakes due to the Topamax (aptly nicknamed "dopamax" - yes @MuddyBoots). It's helpful for the depression. Do I still cry many, many times every day? Yes. Do I still feel hopeless? Yes. Do I still etc., etc.,? Yes. And so on.
So am I less depressed or am I just so baked that I can't tell I'm depressed? Possibly. I'm really not sure. I do have moments of happiness and motivation, though. I am able to look forward to some things, somewhat.
But the dopamax part is when I write/type or add/subtract - folks, it's bad. Bad. I'll be typing merrily along and suddenly I'll type a word that has more than 2 syllables and bang. Stuck. And I sit there literally sounding out the consonants and vowels exactly as I did in second grade - except I was faster at it back then. It can take 4, 5 minutes before I either manage to spell the word or (more likely) use google to find out how to spell the word.
Adding and subtracting is scary business. I'm not even sure how to explain the process.
Yet, I do think the Topomax is stabilizing for me. I believe I'm dealing with an enormous amount of grief, missing my children something terrible, and reeling over my sister's decline into the dementia that began this year. Me turning 60. And all the everyday things...working with my Sidney's diabetes. David turning 76 in January when he was just 34 yesterday...????...see, now that makes me cry.
I feel like I need to be permanently institutionalized.
I feel like screaming.
I went to the grocery store. It felt great to get outside! The afternoon, short though it was, was sunny and crisp, but gorgeous. The store was pretty and not crowded, at all. Kind-of strange. I wanted to see more people, haha. Everyone was friendly and it was a nice time.
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