Another difficult session yesterday. Sometimes during session T repeats back to me some of the painful things I have told him from my childhood. I think this is part of the integration work. It's always in relation to something that is happening now in my life, but he gives it back to me over and over. Yesterday he gave back some feelings related to abuse and the way he said it made me feel invisible. The words he chose diminished the pain I felt, but I didn't notice it right away. What I was actually feeling was my mother's failure to react or rescue me from my father's drunken rages, or even acknowledge them afterward.

As I was leaving I felt really lousy and T asked what was going on. I said that I didn't feel so well, but that I would be okay. I felt about to cry/explode. I drove around the corner and had to pull into the parking lot of a supermarket where I began to cry. I realized that something T said triggered the terrifying feeling of invisibility that I experienced with my mother. In my transference reaction I was feeling invisible. Yet, the adult me felt invisible as well--he should have realized how deeply hurt I was when I told him this originally. If you are giving something back, return it in it's original condition!

So feeling disappointed yet again, I left him a message that we needed to talk. But it is so hard to state what I need in case he can't give me that. Last night I didn't hear from him and decided I hated him. Today, he called me and I could not stop crying on the phone. I had to hang up and pull myself together because I was at work. Finally I left work early and T called me back while I was in the car. He does this thing where he asks me questions and gently pulls me back to present. I needed to hear his voice to pull myself together.

I realize now that he took my current disappointment and validated my feelings. Yet, the child within still feels invisible. Maybe I will let her color.