@TishaBuv, repeatedly on my abuse forums on Facebook I see abused women believing and thinking that they are the toxic ones, because of their reactions to the abuse. I hear over and over again, "I was mean", or "I fought back", or "I broke down in tears and yelled at him". These are all reactions to abuse and these poor women then falsely believe that they are the problem, just as you are. The victim always gets unfairly targeted by others as being the source of trouble simply because they react to abuse. And this is what I see happening to you, especially with regards to your son's 20th birthday. You fought with your husband on that day, and he likely used abuse tactics on you, causing you to melt down and have trouble attending dinner. It's not your fault. And you are being unfairly victimized as the problem, when really, your husband is the problem.