[Please excuse my english. Non native]

When I subscribed to this forum my life was a mess but just a little still manageble.
But also not. I think I did mess up really too much when younger i thought already 7-6 years ago was to late to save my soul. That's how already felt
The point is that back in the days i had to dig that. Rationally. And work.
But somehow didnt.
This post should end here

I used to be completely different in my early twenties, quite a simple person and grounded
Had a job, had some plans, had people around

Then i experienced a so called life crisis and started doing awful s*it. Being too emotional, and childish.
the timing
People usually become more responsible aging, conveniently
I did the exact opposite

I was the kind of kid who clean the house while the parents are at work
I used to do autonomosly job search when I was 18, i worried so much about family, and home

I had a dark side. Lazyness. Sometimes I would just lay in bed or isolate in parking lots to take a break

But it was under check... right?
(No)

And eventually my life went to pieces
And from here, i dont even remember well how
I let myself go. Extreme way
And yet i dont remember
"2015. I was working, i was aware of my problems i would share with my older sister. She didnt care but it wasnt her responsability. It was mine and I knew.
So... what happened after that year? Cause it was the last year of my life, i guess"

I dont want to dig into psychology. It is dangerous
However, i guess i had a psychotic event in 2018-19
Then, my father died in most awful way

I have a pain in my chest and it is like a tattoo
I dont want to have fun, i had too much when younger. The pain reminds me I have been a careless person and people died

I feel like the main character of "Manchester by the sea"(movie)
I hate it, but there is really no way out, it is too late, it's gone
I donated to charity
I vote
I am vegan (the poor way)
I am on the list as organs donor

But I lost control and can't beat it, i am obsessed by past since my father died
I dont accept the present