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Have Hope
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Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
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Default Dec 27, 2022 at 10:19 AM
 
@TishaBuv, all abusers can be nice, charming, loving even and seem logical and level headed because if they were abusive at all times, no one would be around them ever and no one would ever stay with them. They do this so that you will stay and will think that they're not abusive. It's deliberate on their part and it's a manipulation tactic.

The fact that your husband continuously gaslights you - that alone and by itself is abuse. Gaslighting is an abuse tactic.

And one thing to know about abusers as well. The abuse IS deliberate and a conscious act. Abuse is always about power and control over another person. Ever notice how he can turn the niceness and his cruelty on and off easily and quickly?

So yeah, his niceness at times confuses you because you think well, he must not be abusive if he can be nice. And that's exactly where he wants you to be. It's an act and it is false. He is not two different people at the same time. He is one person, a wolf in sheep's clothing. Beneath the nice and reasonable facade is a monster who is gaining power from being cruel to you.

You must ask yourself: When you melt down hysterically crying, does he comfort you and console you? Does he show compassion and empathy? Does he ever apologize to you for hurting you? Probably not. And that is a trait of an abuser. They do not sympathize, they do not empathize, and they do not sincerely apologize. If they do, it's a fake apology only to get you to stay under their thumb and control. And when they do apologize, does the same behavior ever stop or do they keep repeating the same behavior over and over that they know hurts you? That will tell you that it's a fake apology and that the behavior is deliberate.

What I meant by the reasons for his treatment of you do not matter is that it's easy to explain away or justify the abuse through explanations that it is a cognitive issue or a mental health issue or some other disorder he has that causes his behavior. Those types of reasons are a smoke screen covering up the reality of the abuse. Which is why I tried to get you to not think in that way. So, the underlying cause doesn't matter. It's still abuse.

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Thanks for this!
TishaBuv