I upped the dose of olanzepine to 10mg again. I'm still taking 25mg of lamotrigine. I'll see my psychiatrist in 2 months.

Until then, I'll try not to drink any alcohol. Every other day, I'll take a low dose of phenibut (In case socializing becomes too unbearable) and psilocybin tea.

I'd like to just take a good dose of psilocybin again but I'll wait.

And that's it.. It's not too irresponsible. I'm trying. It's really all I can manage.

I want to get into some flow state, learn psychology and neuroscience, try to understand what can help me - All of my interests are scattered and I have no idea what to do. I don't listen to podcasts anymore or read.

I'd like to just be somewhat happy and productive, not anxious about the news. I want people to stop thinking I'm sad and negative, or stupid. But I will be all of those things and have no chance in life if I keep getting beaten down every time I try. Maybe I deserve this. But I'll find out, if I become possibly pushed over the edge completely, if in the end.