I hear you, Buffy, and throughout my life I've felt that way off and on. It seems to come and go in cycles. Sometimes , I feel deep peace, and self acceptance, which I would like to believe is closer to the truth. But when I'm suffering with self loathing, its hard to shake off. I'm 67 now, its been a long road, in my 20s I spent 9 months in a state hospital because I couldn't bear the pain. I don't know enough to really help anyone, you kind of have to look into your own heart and soul. Have a good night's rest