Just got in a fight with H. I know he's sick but damn. (trigger for medical/weight talk) We should want the best for EACH OTHER and not be all nah nah nah nah nah I'm better than you. Now he's gone back to bed and is pouting and I am hiding in my office crying and wondering why I made the decision to stay married a few years ago when I could have left. Why do I love him? I don't know. Why do I hold my marriage vows so sacred when I don't even go to church anymore? I don't know. Why am I ****ing 60 years old already and regretting wasting 25 years of my life on him? At least I can say I have my son, so right now that feels like the only saving grace of this relationship. I really wonder if I should just ****ing leave. Just ****ing leave, and let the chips fall where they may, yes we'd have to sell the house and stuff, and it would be difficult for a while, but I think I'm better equipped to take care of myself alone than HE is. I knew a big blowup was coming because things have been pretty settled between us for a good while now, it was bound to all blow up in my face. But how can I leave when he's sick (not the current cold, I mean the NASH)? That would be totally heartless of me. But sometimes I feel like I'm breaking my own heart by staying. I don't know what to do. Likely I will do nothing and just ride it out as usual. Not just jumping to this maybe I should leave stuff out of the blue, as some of y'all know it's something I've been struggling with for a long time.

Sigh. Sorry for being a downer. I really needed to get this out.