I have some mixed feelings about out of session contact. I am certain that I could not have gone into the deeper work without it--it was just too destabilizing. And I have attachment issues, so being able to reach out as a way of acknowledging that he's still there has been invaluable. I think of it as when I get "wobbly," I can reach out and steady myself, much like a person might steady themselves by reaching out to a hand railing when navigating difficult terrain.

That said, email has also caused a lot of consternation. I try not to, then I break down, then I feel shame. And I obsessively check email to see if he has responded. And if he doesn't, there is often disappointment, and sometimes it makes me want to quit. And I sometimes wonder if the attachment hasn't become secure in 7 years and over 1,000 emails, when is it going to? If the 1000th "I'm here" didn't sink in, will the 1001st?

But also, it does feel like things are shifting. The nature of my emails has shifted, from pretty emotional and erratic in the beginning, to shorter touchpoints now. Often I am just expressing gratitude after a good session, or sharing an insight, or possibly a topic I want to talk about next time. I send fewer "Are you still there" emails. I obsess less while waiting for a response, and I am more ok with not getting a response if that's what happens.

So mostly I try to trust the process, and check in with myself every once in awhile as to whether it's helping or if something needs to change. And I do try to hold off emailing sometimes, just to build my distress tolerance. But I try to balance that with the message that it's OK to need people, to seek connection, and to ask for help, because those are also things I'm trying to come to believe in therapy.