This has been a constant negotiating task with my T.
At the beginning I used email as a way to tell him stuff I couldn’t in session. He was absolutely fine with this and would respond with a short, brief message.
As time went on, those responses didn’t feel like enough. I felt he was distant, cold and too formal in his replies and it would hurt me that he didn’t say what I wanted him to say. I would also freak out and get angry if he didn’t respond within his 24 hour window that he set for replies and could lash out at him for this.
We spoke about it and realised that I really struggled to interpret any warmth and compassion via emails as there was no tone for me to infer that and my brain automatically searches for the very slightest hint of rejection or criticism, often finding it when it’s not actually even there.
We debated whether he should not reply at all or whether I should stop emailing completely. This led to a conversation about him keeping all of my emails in my file, which I didn’t realise was happening and I was furious about it as I hadn’t been informed.. It led to a massive rupture, in which he admitted he had been wrong not to tell me that was what was happening.
So we agreed to move forward with no emails, however he recognised I needed some form of out of session contact due to my attachments issues and inability to hold on to any form of connection to him between sessions.
So now we have an agreement in place for texting. He will text me once between sessions as a way to let me know he’s there and he’s thinking about me. I’m allowed to send a brief reply, but the boundary is that we don’t get in to a back and forth text exchange. One text each, that’s it.
This is still relatively new, but so far I like it. Him initiating the contact really makes a huge difference to me. However I have a feeling this may end up going the same way as the emails and it will get to the point where it doesn’t feel enough. But I think we are both aware of that and it falls under the bigger picture of transference - whatever he offers isn’t enough because I want him to fulfil a parental role, which obviously he can’t do. I’m hoping being aware of this now means it will make it easier to manage the outside off session contact and any problems that arise from it.