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nonightowl · Jan 02, 2023 at 03:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

I get anxious around friendships. It’s a form of social anxiety I think, but I have no problem leaving the house and talking to people, it’s closer interactions I get stressed about.

I do overthink at times, and I question myself a lot. Although I really like some people I find it hard to really believe they could like me all that much back. When they don’t reply or go quiet for a while I tend to think that it was bound to happen. It does happen quite a bit.

I do have some suspicion I have autistic traits, and social ease doesn’t come naturally to me - interactions can exhaust me. I work hard at saying the right things is the best way to describe it, while still authentically being myself as much as possible (if I’m relaxed I can go on about subjects that fascinate me and know not everyone will want to hear so I try to reign it in). I might add I am a good listener and do focus on what others are saying, in fact sometimes I can get overwhelmed by people who talk a lot.

Sometimes I wonder if friendship isn’t for me, I have written this on here before and people said that was negative thinking, but it’s what I think. I am very fond of several people but it feels stressful sometimes trying to figure out interactions.

Maybe it’s pragmatic rather than negative thinking to think maybe it isn’t for me? Do some people live perfectly content lives with no close friends and acquaintances only?

Humans are hard wired to seek connections, though it's hard to make them and keep as I get older. I've been thinking to try to be okay without close friends (except I have one, could use more) since "friends" seem to be more and more the transactional or fair weather kind. I'm exhausted making the effort all the time, only for it to fall through for whatever reason.

As far as "negative thinking", that people say, it's not.

It's human and realistic. And yeah you call it pragmatic. I'm SO SICK of the push for positive thinking in this culture that I read a book, "Toxic Positivity: Keeping it real in a world obsessed with being happy" by Whitney Goodman. I'm now reading Bright-Sided: How the relentless promotion of positive thinking has underminded America by Barbara Ehrenreich. It's so deeply ingrained in American culture it's practically mandatory, and in my opinion, a sickness.

If your car needs repairs, thinking positive will keep it from being a major one. If a storm is coming, thinking positive will stop it. If you have a biopsy, thinking positive will change the nature of the tumor and make it benign. C'mon, what BS!

Gee if it were that easy, the world would be a better place. We'd all be like supernatural creatures, thinking stuff that manifests itself for real. The mindset goes back centuries and it sounds like the UK is like us, sadly.

Anyway, humans are by nature more aware of the "bad" things and remember them more because it's a survival/evolutionary trait. It's how our species survived so long. We know what not to do, not to say, etc. Our brains are wired to be wary of threats, be it real or perceived, and I think this includes insincere "friends". Though not harmful in a way as life threatening, it's a defensive mechanism to protect ourselves. We've been hurt, so we're cautious next time. I'm getting a lot out of these books, and one thing that resonated is that the feelings we call "negative" or "bad" are really just part of being human, being real.

As far ghosting, I read it's very common. Still, that doesn't make it acceptable but I get the subtle message it is acceptable. Once I found out it's not just me, and it happens to many people, I felt vindicated. It's more about them than us, and in the long run it's better to not have people like that in our lives. They lack emotional maturity and want to avoid uncomfortable conversations at all costs. Technology has made it easier than ever to just cut someone off with no explanation. It's devastating to the "ghostee" and for me, it's a kind of a death. I experience the same stages and have to process it like any other loss. I mean it even starts off with "I can't believe it's true" just with a death.

Just wanted to say I'm in the same boat, and I don't know why it happens but knowing it's not you might help.