I did used to attend DBSA meetings myself. The meetings would break up into support groups that I found helpful. That was a long time ago. I know meetings got suspended due to COVID. But perhaps they have resumed. I will look into it. They may well have online groups at the least.

I've been listening a lot to YouTube videos about getting through a depressive episode. I found videos addressing the problem of being so down that taking a shower or cooking a decent meal just takes more motivation than I've been able to dig up. Since after Christmas, that's how I've gotten.

It feels indefensible. There's no good reason why I stopped picking up after myself. The kitchen is littered with dirty dishes. There are dirty pots on the stove. I've been in pajamas for days. I manage to brush my teeth just once a day. It's like complete laziness, and I don't expect that to be understood by anyone who hasn't been like that. I thought I would find more members here who've gotten into that state of mind. Maybe those types don't have the energy to follow a thread like this.

But, on YouTube, I've found kindred spirits. People have made videos describing being just like how I've been. I've watched videos about the challenge of simple, basic hygiene. So I'm not alone.

This has happened to me lots of times before. Somehow I always just got out of it. It was always like having the flu or a bad cold. Then it would just blow over. I never understood what made it blow over. It just always did. This time it's hung on and on.

Anyway, I'm going to take a shower. Then I'll clean the kitchen . . . because I just can't stand it being such a mess any longer. Then, if I'm lucky, I'll manage to keep my engine running. If I can just get my engine to turn over and stay running, I can break out of this. If I can get to the store, I'll buy some frozen dinners. I'm too sick of this to stay like this.

Anybody normal - like my sister - would ask, "Why don't you just do what you need to do?" There is no way I can explain why I have been the way I've been for a week. It seems like just malingering. I've been disgusted with myself. But every few hours I've cried like some tragedy happened. I have no will power. But I am sick of doing nothing. So I'll get going now.

Thank you for stopping by. The utter aloneness has been the worst thing. You've just helped me.