Dear T
By the time we next talk it will have been 19 days between sessions. I know you needed the holiday break, I probably did too, but I always struggle to feel connected again after more than a couple of weeks. It would help if I could see you in person, but I don't know if that is going to be possible yet. The benefits of a f2f session are kind of outweighed by the stress of the situation I'm in, and I'm not coping with that very well at the moment. I fear that by the time we eventually get to speak again I will have shut down even further and find it even more difficult to verbalise the various 'elephants in the room.'

It's also only a few weeks away from the first anniversary of losing ex-T. I know I will want to talk about her and process the loss a bit more, but I'm wary of bringing that particular topic up with you. Not that you've ever made me feel bad about it; it's an internal feeling I have that I should be over it by now and not still thinking about her and missing her. That in itself is probably something we should talk about and work through! Then 3 weeks after that anniversary, it's the 4th year since losing M...and I know I will also need to process that loss a bit more. I don't feel like I've ever really been able to grieve properly for her. It's been locked away tight inside and I've not been able to let it out.

Then there's the trauma stuff we need to get back to at some point, whilst still feeling the other self-destruct 'elephant' circling the room.

My head is saying just stop now. If I hadn't already prepaid for the next 3 sessions I might well have been tempted to cancel. I know you would probably give me a refund if I asked for it, but that feels kind of final. I guess I want to have the option of continuing if I need it.

My head is a mess and it all feels a bit overwhelming.

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