This time, I did not have the intense meltdown. We did not have the “reward”. I eliminated that part of the toxic dance, the reinforcement.
Things are calm here, back to normal.
I realize part of the problem is that I experienced trauma with intimacy in a few key ways before him, and then in this relationship with him. It was not dealt with properly and I didn’t get the support I needed. It all got compounded worse.
My husband is willing to take a break from the intimacy and just let me exist here without the triggers. I just need some time without being triggered. I feel I can be alright if I avoid them.
I don’t know what will happen after that. I pray for more patience with him. I will look at it as he just has a very different way of seeing things and terrible communication skills.
It’s the strangest thing in the world. I have never seen another relationship like it, where we get along so well aside from a HUGE issue that makes me seriously ill.
I am sorry for my callous posts of recent on this thread. I am grateful and do value him. I’d say I feel ashamed (I do), but I don’t want to beat myself up.
I feel like I am making some progress.