RD, I wish I had answers to all the questions swirling in your head and a way to make things less difficult for you and for your children. The only thing I can really offer is empathy. You are 100% right that divorce is hard. It's even harder when in your emotions and thoughts there are memories and dreams for something different than what is.

So my advice is simple. Take one day at a time. Each day will bring its own challenges and triumphs. Give yourself the benefit of your own patience and understanding. It may not feel like it now and it may seem impossible, but your thoughts and feelings will change. You won't be tormented by the upheaval and grief forever.

I took a long time to decide to divorce myself from an unhappy life and dysfunctional marriage. My life felt like it was spinning in a tornado in the beginning. My cousin was in rehab at the same time and he is the one who encouraged me to find healthier ways to deal with my emotions. I wasn't "addicted" but I was recovering from the unhealthy habit of not standing up for myself and tolerating abusive behavior all the while clinging to a made up shred of a fantasy. Al anon meetings and a good therapist are important to processing emotions and reconciling your thoughts. It takes time. Be kind and gentle with yourself and your kids. You will get through this.