New T sent me a text today letting me know that he had a death in the family which sounded very unexpected. I let him know that we were OK and to take his time getting back to me.
New T seems very resistant to calling awesome T. I have brought it up a few times. From my perspective he does not have a lot of respect for awesome T because their styles are very different. I find that really sad seeing as I can find value in both but... New T is, well, aptly labeled :LOL: . He is a new T and while he is 10 years older than me he is 20 years younger than awesome T and I sense a lot of immaturity?? Mostly out of insecurity?? There are a LOT of assumptions there and a lot of mind reading to come to that conclusion... and I choose not to challenge it because honestly it is the reasoning I am most able to be compassionate to. And, in fairness one of the things we did discuss last session was how little history of mine new T was willing/able to allow space for and that if more space were allowed for history I think it would reduce a lot of the issues we are having including the misunderstanding about awesome T. Given the death in his family I am unsure as to when we will pick things back up.

I m also considering asking that we record sessions... I HATE the idea... but... There are a lot of things he is saying he said or that I said that I don't remember. Clearly I know that I am dissociative so that is always a possibility but there seems to be a lot more of it than I have ever experienced before. So I am thinking there may be a "both/and" here where he is thinking some things but doesn't actually say them then thinks they were spoken and a lot of dissociation. It is all so sketchy though because I don't know why I would be checking out as I am not seeing or hearing any known triggers.

And, in looking at things objectively we are in the middle of a really huge storm that anyone with a clear view looking in from the outside would wonder how I am still functioning. My mother is dying, awesome T retiring, my home life getting less stable, finances getting less stable (my H took a pay cut the equivalent of me quitting my job all together without open discussion), Other financial obligations doubling in cost, major changes at work, the loss of a couple of pets including one I was particularly dependent on... I usually run high on those stress test thingies but I am pretty sure I would max it out right now. So.. I am counting still standing as a win.